What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Holy sore nipples Batman
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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