you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
