dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Watching her eat just hurts me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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