just come out here and I will go home with you...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
