morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
