my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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