So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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