the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
