My cat gives me a boner
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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