i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize