my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
