I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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