god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
