bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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