My room smells like vodka and shame
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
