New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
