I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have already put on my inside pants.
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