thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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