Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just cut my nipple shaving
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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