i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
