she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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