i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
