I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize