I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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