Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
