im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize