i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
