your parents love me but you hate me
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
