I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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