i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
