No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
