If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
