Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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