I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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