No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
