So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
