can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
