I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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