hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize