just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
