just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
