Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
