I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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