apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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