i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
