Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize