It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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