I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
