Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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