ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize