woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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