you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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