Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
