i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
