It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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