I have demons in me.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
