He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just sent this text using only my big toe
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
