come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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