Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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