Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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